Verizon Delaying #5G Internet

by Colin Berkshire

I thought I would assist with the interpretation of this recent news story: Verizon is delaying its home 5G internet rollout again

Verizon has just realized that 5G frequencies can’t travel very far, as in, they can go about a block as along as there are no trees in that block.

“Holly crap!” exclaimed one executive who went on to say: “We’ll need to install more towers if we’re going to use this 5G stuff; we just sold off all of our towers.” When asked about his strategy he replied: “I think I’m going to try to get fired and collect severance. There’s plenty of other VPs to deal with this unexpected discovery.”

Verizon’s Vice President for Sales & Finance stated succinctly: “We’re in the business of selling off our infrastructure, not in financing and building more. We think that AT&T got it right by slapping a 5G on smartphone displays and using the same tower infrastructure as we used in 3G LTE and 4G.”

When asked if perhaps Verizon couldn’t perhaps actually follow through with its strategy of serving homes with internet, he replied: “We tried that with FIOS. It was way too much work. We’re not going to install a 5G tower on every block just to serve 50 homes. It would require a $25,000 one time investment to bring in just $2,500 a month in revenues. That’s only a ten month payback.”

Verizon’s Vice President of “Shareholder Services & Press Relations” stated that Verizon is going to leapfrog 5G technology and move directly to 6G LMNOP technology. He declined to explain what “LMNOP” technology is, claiming that it was still experimental.

Shingy, Verizon’s technology evangelist from AOL, stated: “Verizon has vast experience in meta-core network interactivity which can be deeply applied using inference anfi-olyopathy to overcome the 5G challenges of non empathetic geophysical obstinates.”

It may be necessary for a new logo again.