The Sadistic Health IVR

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Thank you for calling Sadistic Health Care…where we are honest and take delight in your reaction.

Your call is very important to us, but not important enough to hire the right number of staff. We just want to be honest about there being degrees of importance.

We are presently experiencing unusually high call volumes. Actually, we are always experiencing unusually high call volumes. We are inadequately staffed. We intentionally keep the queue long because often people spend the time while on hold to search the internet to get the answer to their questions. Then, they hang up and we don’t have to take their call. Try doing this now, as it can save you time.

Please listen carefully as our menu options changed four years ago. We want you to listen to this before we give you any button choices.

Listen carefully to all menu choices or else you will have to listen to this recording again when you call back. You should probably be taking taking notes.

If you speak Spanish and haven’t already hung up, then press two. If you speak English then stay on the line or if you want to avoid the 1 second delay you can then choose to press menu option 1, followed by the number sign.

Press 2 if you are a customer.

Press 3 if you are a subscriber.

Press 4 if you are a client.

Press 5 if you are a patient.

Press 6 if you would like a callback from our automated system. You will not lose your place in line. But when we call you back you had better not be on the phone with anybody else because we won’t be making a second attempt to reach you. By pressing 5 you agree to our terms and conditions as stated on our website in our terms of service and consent to receiving automated callbacks now, and forever in the future at all hours of the day and night from our automated survey machines.

If you would like to take a brief survey after your call, stay on the line. Note that until the agent hangs up the survey will not begin, so some agents may stay on the line a minute or two at the end of the call where there have been problems in the hopes you will not take the survey. Please just wait them out.

Again, thanks for calling Sadistic Health.

Colin Berkshire